MLSnet.com Strikes Again!

Don't look now but the Beckham Rules are out of control. Check out the screen grab above. MLS is so hellbent on getting the Los Angeles Galaxy and David Beckham into the playoffs that they've awarded Team Lalas the first ever 1-1 "win" in league history. Readers may recall this isn't the first time The Red Bull have been the unlucky recipients of creative MLSnet.com "reporting" as only the valiant efforts of MetroFanatic prevented the league from excluding the Red Bull from their rightful place among squads who had indeed qualified for the MLS Playoffs. See Race for the MLS Cup Report.

MLS Playoffs: Shoddy, Unprofessional Breakdown

While shamefully smearing a 12-year-old accident victim, contemplating the latest attempt by The Man to destroy everything cool in the world, we thought, "Who's gonna grab the two remaining Major League Soccer Postseason Tourney slots?" So without creepy Tattoo, here's the Red Bull Rising Race for the MLS Cup Report, Part Trois. All information below is based on official data from the MLSnet.com Playoff Standings page, which isn't always accurate, so just in case, check the MetroFanatic. Let's play!

The Not-So-Fab-Four scrambling for the chance to get hammered by DC United or the winner of Saturday night's delicious Houston Dynamo-Chivas USA tilt, mercifully slated to be broadcast by Fox Soccer Channel, are the Chicago Fire (37 points), the Kansas Wizards (37 points), the Colorado Rapids (35 points) and the Los Angeles Galaxy (33 points, but two matches left). Or as we like to call them, Blanco and the Hunchbacks, Erratic Eddie Johnson and The Wiz, FC Size Matters at Dick's Park and Team Lalas. Excellent, subsidized views of the various permutations can be found here, here and here.

Alternatively, here's our shoddy, unprofessional breakdown, flimsily based on the following criteria: Current form, Opponent, Personal whim, Oddsmakers, Underdog status and Telekinetic powers (cool!). Or The COP-OUT Factor, for short.

Blanco and the Hunchbacks -- The Fire didn't help themselves by scheduling a tough match with Cruz Azul Wednesday, which they lost anyway, leaving just two days recovery time prior to their 0-0 draw at DC United on Saturday. Chicago has only won twice since the start of September, but on the plus side, they've only lost once in MLS play, as they've been kissing their sister like they're the Appalachia Fire (five ties). If Chicago beats the streaking Galaxy Sunday, (Telefutura), they're in, but don't bet on it. COP-OUT Factor: Miss playoffs.

Erratic Eddie Johnson and The Wiz -- Kansas City has won just three MLS matches since the All-Star Break, including a brutal August (1-4) and bad September (1-3-2). Saturday night's loss to the Red Bulls was typically heartbreaking with two gaffes leading directly to Juan Pablo Angel goals and Erratic Eddie Johnson fluffing a PK attempt. FC Dallas doesn't have much to play for this weekend, so chalk that up as a positive for KC, and if you're really desperate for optimism, the Wizards have conjured up a single victory in the past two months, so if that spell holds, they're due for a win this weekend. COP-OUT Factor: Miss playoffs.

FC Size Matters at Dick's Park -- Here's the thing: The Rapids ain't good. We love Pablo Mastroeni, but he's the only guy on the squad above average in any soccer-related category (great tackler). However, here's the good news: The thrilling victory over Chivas on Sunday was the Rapids second straight win and with hated regional rival Real Salt Lake coming to town this weekend, the heralded Rocky Mountain Cup is also on the line, which should have both fans and players pumped up at The Dick. Plus, way back on Sept. 18 Red Bull Rising, based on our highly-scientific, tirelessy researched (for over half-an-hour!) Puppy-to-Giant Ratio, predicted a Colorado postseason berth. COP-OUT Factor: Make playoffs.

Team Lalas -- It's ALIVE! Despite being called a Lame Duck in August, Frank Yallop has went all Dr. Frankenstein on our ass, reanimating the lifeless tissue of the Team Lalas corpse and unleashing on Major League Soccer an ugly, rampaging atrocity that will JUST NOT DIE! But enough about the David Beckham hype. Let's get back to the playoff race. Los Angeles has won five straight and if they beat the Red Bull (already booked for New England) on Thursday they'll host Blanco and the Hunchbacks in a civilization-shattering clash of out-of-control egos, high-stakes confrontations and simmering ethnic tensions. But enough about TeleFutura broadcasting the match live, instead of Fox Soccer Channel or one of the Black Rat outlets. COP-OUT Factor: Make playoffs.

Race for the MLS Cup Report Archive: Part One | Part Deux

Red Bull Attack Sparks Revolution Showdown

Juan Pablo Angel, Jozy Altidore, Dane Richards and Francis Grandpa Doe all started on Saturday night and produced the desired result: The Red Bull outscored the Kansas City Wizards 2-1. With the victory, The Red Bull put a hex on the Wizards postseason chances, and set the stage for a tantalizing Major League Soccer first-round playoff matchup with the New England Revolution. Get Your Tickets Now!

To his credit, Bruce Arena decorated the FakeTurf at the Meadowlands with his best available offensive players and the aforementioned four didn't disappoint as Angel did what he does, score goals, while Altidore, Richards and Granpda challenged and pestered and threatened the Wizards all night. That's what we're talkin' 'bout.

Angel initiated his first strike with a neat pass to the increasingly effective overlapping Big Easy, Dave van den Bergh, whose cross was handled in the box by ill-fated Wizard fullback Jose Burciaga Jr. Angel promptly buried his fifth PK in as many MLS attempts, hopefully putting to rest the irrelevant, lazy, "He had trouble taking PKs at Villa" talking point trotted out everytime the Classy Colombian approaches the spot before beating the goalkeeper.

Rookie speedster Dane Richards happily accepted Burciaga's second gift of the first half on the right wing and decided to Pay it Forward (Worst Movie Ever Candidate), squaring to Angel at the edge of the box for a sublime outside-of-the-right-foot settle and inside-of-the-same-foot finish past KC's Bad Hairdo Keeper Kevin Hartman. True the Wizards managed a quickfire Jack Jewsbury head-flick tally immediately after the spot kick, but when Grandpa flashed a strong header just inches too high and then clanged one off the crossbar right before intermission it was clear this would be a Red Bull night.

Thankfully, Arena wasn't content with offensive tinkering, recalling Carlos Mendes and Hunter Freeman at the expense of Chris Leitch (with Seth Stammler stepping into the suspended Joe Vide role) and extending a second act to none other than Carol Burnett Show legend Tim Conway, who earned a curtain call with six saves, including a nice PK stoning of Erratic Eddie Johnson. Plus, the addition of the Emmy-Award Winning Funnyman caused the cancellation of The Walrus Comedy Hour, which we can all agree jumped the shark several games ago.

Hopefully, Bruce Almighty will allow this winning lineup to take on the Revs in the 2007 MLS Playoffs (we'd prefer Clint Mathis in front of Dema Kovalenko or a healthy Claudio Reyna in central midfield instead of Stammler or Vide, but we won't quibble ... for now). In fact, injuries aside, Arena should allow this squad the opportunity to face the streaking Galaxy (and Beckham?) on Thursday night.

Pachuca Take Big Bucks, Knock Out Becks

Mexican club CF Pachuca burnished its Best Soccer Squad in North America credentials and picked up a cool million dollars on Wednesday night, defeating the LA Galaxy 2-1 in penalty kicks at the Home Depot Center in Los Angeles, winning the inaugural SuperLiga Gran Final. Oh, and 32-year-old, playing-on-a-bad-ankle (sometimes on turf) David Beckham shockingly went down injured after playing in only his sixth game in 18 days. What a wimp.

No stranger to ripping the heart out of Major League Soccer opponents, Pachuca did it again last night, taking a 1-nil lead via neat Christian Gimenez-Cacho interplay and a clumsy own-goal (no, not THAT ONE) from LA's Peter Vagenas. The Galaxy tied the game up late via a spectacular, improbable bicycle kick by Chris Klein, cavalierly dismissed as a "slow-footed, defensive graybeard" by Red Bull Rising just three days ago. Bicycle, Schmicycle, we'd still take Robbie Findlay!

Landon Donovan missed a wide-open header inside 10 minutes, perfectly placed onto his male-pattern baldness noggin by Becks, did well to force a great save from idiot Pachuca goalkeeper Miguel Calero late, and had his ill-placed (go either high or low, not middle, LandyCakes) game-winning PK attempt stopped by the aforementioned, finger-waving, hat-wearing Prima Donna in Net.

Abel Xavier (just the type of old, flashy, big-reputation but small-game player Jurgen Klinsmann jettisoned for younger, hungrier lads prior to World Cup 2006, by the way) should be expecting a complaint from PETA, as his penalty kick killed a hapless pigeon circling the Home Depot Center in pursuit of stray postgame nachos.

Here's a quick roundup of links:
Sports Illustrated | TimesOnline UK | Soccernet | La Opinion

MLS: Lame Ducks, Bubble Boys & The Fab Five

While adopting a wide stance in an airport bathroom stall, perusing the latest ground-breaking news, we thought, "Who's gonna make the Major League Soccer Postseason Tourney?" So, without Freddy Adu, here's the Red Bull Rising Race for the MLS Cup Report. All information below is based on official data from the MLSnet.com Standings page, featuring this important advisory, in fancy red font: The seeding procedure described above is correct. Alrighty then, let's get to it.

THE FAB FIVE -- The Fab Five are clubs who, barring a complete collapse, will make the playoffs and are now concentrating on finishing first in their respective conferences. The New England Revolution (42 points, 23 games played) and DC United (39 points, 21 GP) are firmly in control of the top two slots in the Eastern Conference, while the Houston Dynamo (38, 23), Chivas USA (36, 20) and FC Dallas (36, 21) are battling it out for the top two seeds in the West. With three games in-hand on Houston, and with seven of their 10 remaining matches at the Home Depot Center, where they haven't lost in eight league matches, streaking Chivas figures to hold off FC Dallas for the second spot, if not overtake the Dynamo at No. 1. Either way, the loser of the Houston-Chivas-Dallas showdown will still secure one of the four remaining at-large slots.

THE BUBBLE BOYS -- The Bubble Boys are clubs with a chance to qualify for the playoffs, despite little hope of earning one of the top two seeds in their respective conferences. The Red Bull (33 points, 22 games played), the Kansas City Wizards (32, 22), the Columbus Crew (27, 22) and the Blanco-fueled Chicago Fire (26, 21) are still alive in the East, with the Colorado Rapids (27, 22) the lone squad still harboring postseason dreams in the West. Maddening inconsistency permeates each of these teams, most likely resulting in a mad, mad, mad scramble for playoff qualification well into October. The Joy of Six: Six crucial head-to-head matches are Fire vs. Red Bull (Sept. 1 and Sept. 15), Rapids at Crew (Sept. 2), Fire at Crew (Sept. 8), Crew at Wizards (Sept. 15) and Wizards at Red Bull (Oct. 13).

THE LAME DUCKS -- The Lame Ducks are clubs with no realistic shot at the playoffs, and if Red Bull Rising had our way, would be facing relegation to the USL. The two newbies, Toronto FC (20 points, 22 games played) and Real Salt Lake (12, 19) were expected down in the basement, but the Alexi Lalas Refugees (14, 18), brought to you by AEG, are unanticipated guests. Look for Jurgen Klinsmann, David Beckham and Landon Donovan to resume their rightful place in the Penthouse Suite in 2008.

Will Klinsmann Clean Up Lalas Mess in LA?

The Frank Yallop AEG Gold Watch Ceremony is about to take center stage as the latest act in the David Beckham Traveling Circus of Major League Soccer. The intrepid Ives Galarcep follows the bouncing ball stateside, while TimesOnline UK provides the Continental angle, the Cirque du Soleil if you will, regarding the ascension of Jurgen Klinsmann as new Ringmaster for the Los Angeles Galaxy.

By all accounts, Yallop is a nice guy thrust into an almost impossible situation as Designated Lalas Fall Guy (see Bradley, Bob). But his comments after the disastrous three-game period which began
so audaciously with three Beckham-inspired goals before 65,000 fans at the Meadowlands and ended so ignobly with a 3-nil debacle at
The Dick, speak volumes:

From Times Online UK:

"It’s not been easy because of the spotlight thrust on us,” [said] Yallop. "You try to imagine the hysteria surrounding his [Beckham's] arrival but when he’s here it’s so different. It’s not been easy. It’s been kind of testing, to be honest."

And following Beckham's 90-minutes vs. Chivas, one day after England-Germany at Wembley:

"I used him tonight and I shouldn’t have done that," Yallop said after the defeat.

There you have it. Yallop is resigned to his fate. It was Lalas who traded speedy, dynamic youngster Robbie Findlay for slow-footed, defensive graybeard Chris Klein. It was Lalas who chose Carlos Pavon, Alan Gordon and Edson Buddle as the Galaxy strikeforce. Yet Yallop will be shown the door, with Lalas tightly clutching the keys.

Klinsmann, however, is no Frank Yallop. The Becks "hysteria" lamented by Yallop pales in comparison to the fiery cauldron of heat braved by Klinsi during World Cup 2006, where the son of a baker stood up to Der Kaiser and the German Press, and selected and guided a squad which overachieved beyond any reasonable expectations.

A resident of Orange County, Klinsmann may be just the bright ray of sunshine needed in L.A., but the tough-talking Lalas may want to consult with Sunil Gulati regarding Klinsi. Should the Golden Bomber accept the immense challenge of cleaning up the Lalas Mess in Los Angeles, he may prefer to go it alone.

LA Beckhams vs. Red Bull: WOW!

Having just regained consciousness, here's a few quick notes and postgame links from the thrilling 5-4 Red Bull victory over the L.A. Galaxy before over 65,000 screaming fans at the Meadowlands on Saturday night.

Play It Again, Sam -- We've been singing the praises of Juan Pablo Angel and Jozy Altidore and Saturday night was merely an affirmation of their individual and collective brilliance. Angel figuratively claimed the mantle of Undisputed Leader of the Red Bull when he literally waved off his rival teammates and grabbed the spot-kick before blasting the ball past Joe Cannon for the opening score. Juan Pablo cemented this position by opportunistically pouncing on a rebound and once again firing the ball through the hapless Cannon's paws for the game-winner. Jozy was Jozy, too big, too strong and too fast for opposing defenders, maneuvering around them with steely grace and authoritatively finishing in the box. Even Beckham was impressed.

Who Are Those Guys? -- The Galaxy probably expected problems with Jozy and Angel, but were ill-prepared to deal with the rejuvenated Clint Mathis and emerging Dane Richards. Mathis scored a cracker (making MetroStar-Red Bull history) and instigated the victory with a scorching shot destined to deflect off Cannon and find Juan Pablo's thankful boot. In between, he pushed the issue throughout the match, refusing to turn the ball back to the defense, instead insisting on going forward, pressing the Galaxy defense with pressure, pressure pressure. He also got stuck in on every tackle available (Joe Vide and Seth Stammler were refreshingly greedy with most of them) and took the time to shake hands and chat with Becks after knocking him down. Classy Cletus. Love it. Richards had his best game as a Red Bull, causing havoc on the wings and keeping the Galaxy defenders on their heels. Prediction: If and when Richards learns how to use his left foot and how and when to shoot the ball, he will be a Major League Soccer All-Star.

Grumpy Old Men -- Remind me, why are Dave Van den Bergh and Ronald Waterreus on the Red Bull? Seriously, what service do they provide? Because other than absorbing a Beckham free-kick rocket in the melon while manning the wall, all Ven den Bergh did on Saturday night was virtually pass the ball to Cannon on pure sitters twice, TWICE! which would've definitively iced the game. His contributions beyond that were nil. He jogged after the ball while Mathis, Vide, Stammler and Richards were scrambling and he offered nothing offensively. And Wattereus, frankly, is worse than Tony Meola on crosses, hurt all the time and an extremely over-rated passer of the ball. Cutoffs Conway is an upgrade.

The Cletus vs. Captain America -- Right now, Clint Mathis is so much better than Claudio Reyna in the middle of the field that Bruce Arena will have a hard time looking his players in the eye if he stubbornly tries to replace the feisty, offensive sparkplug (YouTube) with the subdued, make-no-mistakes plodder. This is not hating on Claudio, who we've long admired, but merely an acknowledgement of a simple fact the Red Bull can ill afford to ignore: Clint provides more energy, more fight and more goals than Claudio. Period.

The Ambassador -- David Beckham, though visibly limited due to injury and the Giants Stadium turf, is an instant on-the-field difference maker for the Galaxy. And not just with dead balls. True, the first corner and free he took both ended up in the back of the net via the head of Carlos Pavon, but Beckham's distribution of the ball during the run of play cannot be overlooked. For the second time in two matches, he absolutely carved open the opposition with a perfect ball directly to Landon Donovan's foot, right in stride. Unlike the goal scored against DC (YouTube), this time Donovan was forced to square the ball only for Alan Gordon to botch the tap in, but Beckham's ability to find the open man is already without peer in MLS. Donovan and the Galaxy should be delighted.

MLSnet.com | USA Today | Soccernet | Times UK | SI.com | Newsday

Beckham is Beckham in First Start

David Beckham did what David Beckham does in his first start last night, leading the LA Galaxy to a 2-nil victory over DC United in the Superliga semifinals. He pinged the ball around the spotty Home Depot pitch (hat tip to duNord) with aplomb, he made the keeper look silly with a signature free-kick goal (YouTube) and he passed a perfectly-weighted ball to Landon Donovan to complete the scoring.

And none of this is surprising to those who know anything about David Beckham's soccer abilities, because this is what he's been doing since Alex Ferguson plucked him from the Brimsdown Rovers youth club when he was 14-years-old. And this is what he will do until he retires. He's not Pele. He's not Michael Jordan. He's not John from Cincinnati. He's David Beckham.

For those desperately needing someone to compare him to, think Major League Soccer's Carlos Valderrama, sitting in the middle of the field and orchestrating the offense with vision, touch and savvy. Or for old timers, think Cosmos playmaker Vladislav Bogicevic, employing superior game awareness, body control and attacking flair as a midfield general.

Becks was also lucky to avoid a straight red for his clumsy from-behind mugging of Jaime Moreno (channeling serial bad tackler and old friend Paul Scholes?), and survived a potentially career-ending high-studded attack from Ben Olsen's Beard. He gingerly limped off the field to big applause and now we'll all await the latest word from his Cranky Ankle. This is Beckham. A terrific, international soccer star playing out his final years in the United States and creating buzz and helping to grow the Beautiful Game. Enjoy it for what it is.

Beckham on Saturday: Will He or Won't He?

The David Beckham Saga has more angles than Picasso's lady friends. Should he have played against Chelski? Should he save himself for Major League Soccer action, or compete in Superliga? Should he tell McClown to buzz off with his Germany friendly?

While these are all interesting questions (with easy answers, a) obviously not, b) you bet yer bippy, and c) hells yeah), for now, we'd like to examine a purely parochial part of the Becks-Injury conundrum: How does this affect the Red Bull?

According to Soccernet he may play at the Meadowlands on Saturday, depending on how he feels after participating in tonight's Superliga encounter with DC United. But on the other hand, Soccernet also opines that Becks hate him some turf so there's a good chance he'll take a pass on the crappy Giants Stadium surface.

Being sunny, optimistic types, here's how we see it:

If Beckham plays on Saturday, it's terrific for the Red Bull, because all of the extra fans who come out will get what they paid for and enjoy the day and want to come back to support the local team they discover while gawking at the vaguely androgynous curiosity from Ol' Blighty. It's kinda like Becks is the recreational weed, the gateway drug, if you will, to the seductive heroin that is live professional soccer (YouTube). (Hey kids, remember, don't do drugs. And stay in school. Oh, and don't forget to floss.)

If Beckham doesn't play on Saturday, it's terrific for the Red Bull too, because all of the extra fans who come out will get pissed at the EuroTrash Slacker, and the enemy of their enemy being their friend, they will immediately support the rampaging Red Bull who will proceed to hammer the Galaxy en route to three crucial MLS points. With Juan Pablo Angel and Jozy Altidore strutting their stuff, the Red Bull will gain thousands of fans and march to their first Major League Soccer championship.

Jozy Altidore Headlines YouTubePalooza

We've been waiting for Red Bull striker, and FIFA 08 coverboy, Jozy Altidore's version of the Adidas Impossible is Nothing videos to pop-up on YouTube, and although the quality of this version is less than perfect (you've got to endure a choppy bit of cheesy pregame nonsense prior to the actual spot), without Freddy Adu.....er....without further adieu...here's Jozy and a sampling of other cool YouTube video:

Jozy | Messi | Beckham | Kaka | Guardado | St. Margarets

Extended Impossible is Nothing Video | Jose Plus 10 | Ali

Becks-Scooby Doo | Messi Chip | More Messi (via Dailymotion.com)

David Beckham Plays Soccer Game

Becks made his Major League Soccer debut last night, appearing as a sub for the Los Angeles Galaxy in a 1-nil loss to DC United before an announced crowd of over 40,000. Here's a quick roundup of links:

MLS | ESPN | DC Centers | NY Times | Times UK | Deadspin | TMZ

Tuesday Morning Odds and Sods, Volume 5

Dog Pile on the Rabbit! Dog Pile on the Rabbit! One of the greatest films ever made, A Hare Grows in Manhattan, contains a scene where our hero, Bugs Bunny, is set upon by a group of snarling dogs, who all jump on top of our beleaguered protagonist, exclaiming "Dog pile on the rabbit! Dog pile on the rabbit!" Well, this past week was an off-the-field Dog Pile on the Red Bull Extravaganza.

Ives Galarcep kicked it off with a column, citing unnamed sources, which claimed the Red Bull lost $14 million last year. Ives then blogged about the rather obtuse response from Red Bull Managing Director Marc de Grandpre. Soccernet chipped in with their version of de Grandpre's comments. as did Big Apple Soccer, who managed to get the Red Bull Front Office Honcho to correspond via email. Big Apple Soccer also reported the Red Bull thought its TV broadcasts of road games didn't actually need announcers at the match, but could be handled via monitors back home in New York. Not good.

Two points:

1) Ives and Michael Lewis have been doing great work on the local soccer beat for a very long time. It's their job to cover both on the field and off the field news, and the exposure of bad news or shady dealings is good for the Red Bull and Major League Soccer. Justice Brandeis was correct. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. These guys bring it.

2) The Red Bull Corporation in general and de Grandpre in particular (all that's missing with this guy is the twirling moustache) came in last year and basically blew the whole place up. That inevitably results in hard feelings. But feelings aside, let's see how the season shakes out and the move to Red Bull Park in Harrison, NJ progresses before getting hysterical. The arrival of Bruce Arena, the construction of a terrific new soccer-specific stadium and the infusion of capital (how many other MLS owners have voluntarily splashed out $14 Mil in one year?) could very well result in The Rise of the Red Bull.

Hat Tip to The Offside Rules for alerting us to this San Diego Union-Trib article highlighting Qualcomm Stadium's mad soccer jones due to popular demand in Southern California. You stay classy, San Diego!

Interim US National Team Head Coach Bob Bradley (Man, when will we be able to stop typing interim? Enough is enough. Sunil, you listenin'?) announced his training squad for the upcoming friendlies against Ecuador and Guatemala.

David Beckham Update: Becks gets lotsa love on the internet tubes.

The US Women's Nats won the 2007 Algarve Cup. You go girls!

Cobi Jones is hanging 'em up after this season.

"A Short Saying Oft Contains Much Wisdom"Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC)

"That's our reward, to play at the highest elevation in Mexico." -- Dominic Kinnear, Houston Dynamo Coach/Avid Mountain Climber, relishing his upcoming trip to Pachuca's Estadio Hidalgo, which sits a mere 7,960 feet above sea level.

"Now we know how they play; they're a dangerous team. But I think in Pachuca we can make things right." -- Enrique Meza, Pachuca Coach/Tactical Genius, belatedly realizing the MLS Champs were a dangerous team.

"Things were a little chippy." -- Ben Olsen, DC United Midfielder/Provocateur describing the action at RFK Thursday night against Chivas Guadalajara.

"EXPLETIVE DELETED!!!!!!!!" -- Entire, Enraged Chivas Squad, expressing their displeasure with Bearded Ben after the match.

"I don't go a day or two without talking to Freddy (Adu), Danny (Szetela) or Timmy Ward. We all know it's going to be a challenge." -- Michael Bradley, US U-20 Midfielder, demonstrating team spirit and maturity when discussing this summer's U-20 World Cup Finals.

"It would be an honor to work in a club like Real Madrid." -- Jose Mourinho, Chelsea Manager, demonstrating appalling disloyalty and puerile narcissism when discussing this summer's The Apprentice: Bernabéu debacle. Red Bull Rising Reminder: Fredo's goin' fishin'.

"We want to help MLS increase the interest in soccer overall because if the interest in soccer increases, then interest in leagues like the Bundesliga increases." -- Christian Seifert, Bundesliga CEO, efficiently gets to the bottom line of the MLS-Bundesliga partnership.

"Franz is the one who has brought us together and had this overall concept," -- Ivan Gazidis, MLS Deputy Commish, painfully name-drops Der Kaiser at the Miami Beach press conference.

Speaking of beaches (see how I did that?):

"We can give them a beach-head in the United States." -- Jeff Plush, Colorado Rapids Managing Director, on what Arsenal gains from the historic Gooner-Rapids partnership.

"This injury isn't down to my age. It's the number of games played that causes injury. Look at (Franck) Ribery, (Claude) Makelele, (William) Gallas, (Patrick) Viera, they are all injured. Even Ronaldinho is 'dead'. Same for Deco. Or (Steven) Gerrard. This is not the great, the real Gerrard (this season). The players doing well now are those who played less last season." -- Thierry Henry, Exhausted Gunner, more concerned with the ridiculous fixture overload damaging the world's best players than the heretofore mystical, hidden beaches of Commerce City, Colorado.

"New players are not expected to be shrinking violets, but neither are they supposed to throw themselves around like big-time Charlies." -- Unnamed Source, England National Team, throwing recently arrested Citeh midfielder Joey Barton under a double-decker bus.

"Managers may hate penalty shoot-outs but fans love them." -- Brian Mawhinney, Chairman English Football League, considering replacing draws with penalty kicks or shootouts a la the current NHL and former NASL.

"I would walk back from the United States to play for England again." -- David Beckham, Needs No Modifier, confirming he can indeed walk on water.

"I just hope he buys dinner a few times." -- Chris Albright, Future Becks Teammate, attempting to lower the expectations just a bit.

And in celebration of St. Paddy's Day, this old chestnut from the Greatest Oirish Soccer Player Ever:

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." -- Georgey Best

Tuesday Morning Odds and Sods, Volume 3

The Red Bull kicked off the Californication portion of their preseason with a nil-nil draw against the Beckhamless Los Angeles Galaxy. Claudio Reyna and Ronald Waterreus were spared any exertions after the cross-country flight, with Dema Kovalenko serving as captain.

Newbies Sinisa Ubiparapovic (man, if this guy makes the team I need to set up a quick key), Dane Richards, Ansu Toure and Hugh MacDonald all got a run out after "making the trip." The rest of the Golden State schedule is as follows: Houston Dynamo today, University of California on Friday, March 9 and CD Chivas USA on Wednesday March 14.

MacDonald, like Red Bull assistant coach John Harkes and former MetroStars Tony Meola and Tab Ramos, hails from Kearny, New Jersey and may land a developmental contract, according to the MetroFanatic. While we're tossing out "mays," Big Apple Soccer says Gio Savarese and the Red Bull may have severed their relationship.

The big news out of LA is the medical condition of the professional athlete who just signed a multi-million dollar contract with a franchise that claims to be from Los Angeles but really isn't. But enough about chemically-enhanced, cheating Angels. Let's discuss David Beckham. After suffering ligament damage to his right knee in Sunday's Real Madrid match, Becks will be on the shelf for about a month or so. The resulting hand-wringing and castigation, while entertainingly melodramatic, is more than a bit overwrought. Now that Golden Balls won't be battling through the next round of the Champions League with the Galacticos or desperately fighting his way into Three Lions contention, there's a much better chance that he will be healthy, rested and good to go for the Galaxy by July.

"A short saying oft contains much wisdom" -- Sophocles

"They were getting their diapers changed, I think." -- Mo Johnston, Toronto FC, after two of his young players were late for training.

"On the one hand we want to anchor Barca in the colleges and on the other form a partnership with a Major League club, maybe even in an official way with the Barca brand." -- Joan Laporta, Barcelona, winking madly in the direction of MLS while trying to maintain a modicum of decency.

"If the club decides to sack me because of bad results that is part of the game. If that happens I will be a millionaire and I will get another club a couple of months later." -- Jose Mourinho, Chelsea, tossing decency, class and humility out the window while giving the finger to Russian oil billionaire Roman Abramovich.

"I will never work for Sigi again. I will never play for him, never join his coaching staff." -- Jon Busch, former Columbus Crew goalkeeper, taking the subtle approach regarding his future job prospects with Sigi Schmid.

"He's an easy target. He has a big head, wears tight shorts and wraps his wrists." -- Jimmy Conrad, Kansas City Wizards, explaining why he picks on fellow US National Team member Taylor Twellman.

Czech Out The Latest Rumors

The MLS offseason is Silly Time, where Ronaldo is either 1) fat, washed up and beneath Major League Soccer or 2) a potent striker and international icon capable of scoring two goals in his first start since returning to Serie A. Where Beckham is either 1) over-rated, over-paid and over-heated or 2) Man of the Match in a classic Real Madrid vs. Bayern Munich European Champions League showdown and a great signing for the LA Galaxy and MLS.

Well, Red Bull Rising is not immune to the allure of Silly Time and our latest contribution to the rumor mill is this juicy tidbit from our friends at Football 365 (and by friends, we mean we often peruse their terrific website): Czech star Patrik Berger is considering MLS.

Berger is a 33-year-old offensive-minded midfielder with a silky-smooth left foot, a feisty on-field personality and a flair for the dramatic. The downside is, he has been hurt or indifferent the past few seasons, after a very solid tenure at Liverpool FC where his skills were greatly appreciated.

The demographically-minded, fanny-in-the-seats types will note that both the greater Houston and Chicago areas have very high concentrations of Czech-Americans. Would Patty agree to a Windy City or Southeast Texas move? Or is he just angling for either an extension with Martin O'Neill and Aston Villa or perhaps signaling for another squad on The Continent to make him an offer?

In other Liverpool related news, Robbie Fowler is being linked with fellow Anfield veteran Steve Nicol and the New England Revolution. Unlike the Berger story, no Fowler quotes are attached to this rumor. Due to Robbie's now chronic injury problems, his rather -- ahem -- notorious nightlife habits and his passion for the ponies....it's doubtful God will grace the Land of the Puritans.

Becks Scores, The Land of Coors

It was inevitable David Beckham would celebrate his return from exile and Capello's comic capitulation by finding the back of the net. So what now? Well, a few things.

1) The chances of speeding up Beckham's arrival in LA via buyout are now slimmer than Nicole Ritchie. Real took a much deserved public relations hit by benching and verbally slamming one of their most valuable assets and went into the tank on the field to boot. With the Primera Division still up for grabs and Real's last domestic match scheduled for June 17, the Galacticos will hang onto Becks for the duration.

2) Major League Soccer will now go into Ixnay on the EckhamBay Mode. The league can't allow the whole first half of the 2007 season to be held hostage to When Will He Come? What New Hairstyle Will He Have? and What Will Posh Wear? stories, especially after the 2006 campaign was overshadowed by the World Cup.

3) Capello is history. It's one thing for Guti to speak up, but when Raul, who never wanted Becks at the Bernabeu in the first place and barely tolerates him now, publicy embraced the former England captain, Fabio immediately became Fredo. The only question is, when will the Real bosses take him fishing?

Speaking of fishing, let's discuss the Colorado Rapids (How's that for a cornball segue?). Rumor had it the MLS franchise nestled in the Rocky Mountains was not only going to sell its soul to Arsene Wenger and the Gooners, but that they were going to adopt the name of their new patrons and call themselves the Colorado Arsenal. Or Arsenal Colorado. Whatever. Either way, what actually happened was the Rapids announced new branding and colors (oddly mimicking Aston Villa and West Ham and nothing at all like Thierry Henry's kit) and a partnership deal with Arsenal concerning player development and preseason tours.

Some folks got hot and bothered about the potential name change, while others thought it was a great idea. The thinking here is that the Colorado Rapids is a fine name, bringing up thoughts of icy cold water which is used (if you believe the commercials) to make watered down Lite Beer in a cool silver can. Plus, changing the name to Arsenal could've been another Houston 1836 fiasco and MLS doesn't need to shoot itself in the foot again. How so? One word: Columbine.

Beckham US Tour Dates Released

Back in the day, recently departed Old School TV broadcast stylist Jim Karvallas would respond to Seamus Mallon's astute color commentary of a particularly nifty play -- say a neat Bogie through-ball to Chinaglia (Karvallas pronunciation: KEEEEY-nalia) -- with an emphatic, "That’s good soccer, Seamus." And so today, we present Major League Soccer with the first-ever That's Good Soccer, Seamus Award, for the clever scheduling which guarantees the LA Galaxy -– or Team Beckham, if you prefer -– will play at least one road game in every single MLS city from July to the end of the season. Not coincidentally, Beckham’s current contract with Real Madrid expires on June 30.

Oh, how Capello and that odious Calderon at Real Madrid must love the timing. Since Beckham will indeed be visiting each MLS stadium in 2007, despite Real's predatory intransigence, AEG and MLS can now negotiate his liberation from the stands at the Bernabeu, a pointless, wasteful exile even his teammates lament, fully aware that, worst-case, Becks arrives on Independence Day and plays out the rest of the season. (Provided he stays healthy, which will be addressed in a future post). Best-case, Real get real, make a fair deal, and Beckham joins Donovan and Company at the Home Depot Center for start of season. Win-win for MLS and its fans. That's good soccer, Seamus.

Beckham and the Galaxy face the Red Bulls on Saturday night, August 18. Should be quite a show. Get tickets now.