MLS Playoffs: Shoddy, Unprofessional Breakdown

While shamefully smearing a 12-year-old accident victim, contemplating the latest attempt by The Man to destroy everything cool in the world, we thought, "Who's gonna grab the two remaining Major League Soccer Postseason Tourney slots?" So without creepy Tattoo, here's the Red Bull Rising Race for the MLS Cup Report, Part Trois. All information below is based on official data from the MLSnet.com Playoff Standings page, which isn't always accurate, so just in case, check the MetroFanatic. Let's play!

The Not-So-Fab-Four scrambling for the chance to get hammered by DC United or the winner of Saturday night's delicious Houston Dynamo-Chivas USA tilt, mercifully slated to be broadcast by Fox Soccer Channel, are the Chicago Fire (37 points), the Kansas Wizards (37 points), the Colorado Rapids (35 points) and the Los Angeles Galaxy (33 points, but two matches left). Or as we like to call them, Blanco and the Hunchbacks, Erratic Eddie Johnson and The Wiz, FC Size Matters at Dick's Park and Team Lalas. Excellent, subsidized views of the various permutations can be found here, here and here.

Alternatively, here's our shoddy, unprofessional breakdown, flimsily based on the following criteria: Current form, Opponent, Personal whim, Oddsmakers, Underdog status and Telekinetic powers (cool!). Or The COP-OUT Factor, for short.

Blanco and the Hunchbacks -- The Fire didn't help themselves by scheduling a tough match with Cruz Azul Wednesday, which they lost anyway, leaving just two days recovery time prior to their 0-0 draw at DC United on Saturday. Chicago has only won twice since the start of September, but on the plus side, they've only lost once in MLS play, as they've been kissing their sister like they're the Appalachia Fire (five ties). If Chicago beats the streaking Galaxy Sunday, (Telefutura), they're in, but don't bet on it. COP-OUT Factor: Miss playoffs.

Erratic Eddie Johnson and The Wiz -- Kansas City has won just three MLS matches since the All-Star Break, including a brutal August (1-4) and bad September (1-3-2). Saturday night's loss to the Red Bulls was typically heartbreaking with two gaffes leading directly to Juan Pablo Angel goals and Erratic Eddie Johnson fluffing a PK attempt. FC Dallas doesn't have much to play for this weekend, so chalk that up as a positive for KC, and if you're really desperate for optimism, the Wizards have conjured up a single victory in the past two months, so if that spell holds, they're due for a win this weekend. COP-OUT Factor: Miss playoffs.

FC Size Matters at Dick's Park -- Here's the thing: The Rapids ain't good. We love Pablo Mastroeni, but he's the only guy on the squad above average in any soccer-related category (great tackler). However, here's the good news: The thrilling victory over Chivas on Sunday was the Rapids second straight win and with hated regional rival Real Salt Lake coming to town this weekend, the heralded Rocky Mountain Cup is also on the line, which should have both fans and players pumped up at The Dick. Plus, way back on Sept. 18 Red Bull Rising, based on our highly-scientific, tirelessy researched (for over half-an-hour!) Puppy-to-Giant Ratio, predicted a Colorado postseason berth. COP-OUT Factor: Make playoffs.

Team Lalas -- It's ALIVE! Despite being called a Lame Duck in August, Frank Yallop has went all Dr. Frankenstein on our ass, reanimating the lifeless tissue of the Team Lalas corpse and unleashing on Major League Soccer an ugly, rampaging atrocity that will JUST NOT DIE! But enough about the David Beckham hype. Let's get back to the playoff race. Los Angeles has won five straight and if they beat the Red Bull (already booked for New England) on Thursday they'll host Blanco and the Hunchbacks in a civilization-shattering clash of out-of-control egos, high-stakes confrontations and simmering ethnic tensions. But enough about TeleFutura broadcasting the match live, instead of Fox Soccer Channel or one of the Black Rat outlets. COP-OUT Factor: Make playoffs.

Race for the MLS Cup Report Archive: Part One | Part Deux